Why is letting go of stuff so hard?

Breaking down the resistance

One recent Sunday I met up with a friend of many years. We don't see each other all that regularly as she moved from the area, so when we get together it usually involves a big catch up on all the gossip. In fact we both rather like tea so drinking tea while discussing the tea is the prefect get together.

Along the way the subject of my Clearing Out came up and my friend was making quite normal suggestions which might help certain aspects of decluttering. She noticed that each time I was coming up with excuses - until it got to the point where she felt she should point this out. I agreed, I was giving her reasons why things wouldn't work.

Usually I would tell others that you have to find a reason for something to work, not for it not to work, so this was a bit of a wake up call.

The fact is, I know I do this, I hear myself doing it whenever anyone suggests a fix for something. But why? What is going on that makes me put up barriers of resistance?

The answer may lay in one of the main reasons behind my messy home. Grief. Since I lost my partner in 2005 I have been filling empty spaces with whatever is available.

At first I kept the new baby stuff and some clothes on his side of the bed.

Now I've noticed I keep piles of clean laundry on a dining chair - or maybe some bags.

I wish my dining table was this neat!

I have basically been filling all the empty spaces - but there is one space I cannot fill, and perhaps until that is healed, or at least on the way to being healed, I will likely have an ongoing struggle with this issue.

Sometimes it's unconscious - but I usually realise eventually what I'm doing.

My partner was a bear of a man. 6'2" and built like a rugby player. He gave the absolute best hugs.

His absence leaves a large void of scary emptiness.

So, I understand why I fill up my home with stuff - but it's not what I want. It leaves me stressed about having to clean and sort things and embarrassed to invite people into my home. And it steals time from my creative practice.

Could the answer then lie in a sensitive way of arranging the things I am keeping to make my home feel like there are no empty spaces? Only intentional layouts and beautiful things that I wouldn't want to hide behind 'stuff'?

The other question I often ask is that why, after nearly 20 years, am I still doing this? Filling the scary emptiness?

I suppose the need to fill spaces explains why things got bad, but in terms of why they are still bad, or took until now to get this bad - that is more about the exhaustion of dealing with the grief for all this time. For not having found love again. For still feeling a little empty inside. All the above.

I haven't dated for four years. I became disillusioned with relationships after several disappointments over the years.

I didn't want to take any more chances with my delicate heart.

One of the things you hear a lot as a young widow is how strong you are. But it's not strength, it's the need to carry on for whatever reason - children, paying the mortgage, if you care for other family etc. The exhaustion then, comes from years of being strong when all you want to do is hide away from it all. The grief has been pushed aside too many times and it won’t be silenced forever.

After my last attempt at dating failed, I think I gave up. That's when things really started piling up.

Then when my father died the following year I started to inherit a trickle of books and a couple of other things (including two Adana printing presses that have sat in my living room since). I found it harder to clear what was there - what was the point? My grief had taken space front and centre again.

So can I not part with my father's books because I'm not ready to part with him? Are they helping to fill that void? Absolutely.

How does anyone move on from this?

How do I stop filling the empty spaces? How do I honour those people I have lost while creating a happier space to live in for myself and my daughter?

Perhaps being aware of it all and forgiving myself is the best start. Then I must believe that I deserve to live in a beautiful home. Then I need the energy to create that beautiful home.

Sounds simple - but I know there will still be mountains to climb along the way, and cliffs to avoid falling off. Perhaps you will join me - to cheer me on - to improve your own space - morbid curiosity. Either and any way - I hope you will share your journeys with me too.

I know these aren’t the only reasons for the mess I’m in - but they do go a huge way to explaining the basics of it. It doesn’t help that I’m prone to stubbornness and not great at being told what to do!